Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
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if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die