Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’

Me: you can’t be seriousful

THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????

No one can handle that

You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.

Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them

if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son

normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”

Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.

I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.

Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.

Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.

~Confucius

Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.

I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.

“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.

Waiter: What can I get you?

Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.

no one:

my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows

I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets

this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens

GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.

Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:

When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.

*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.

I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”

Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.