Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
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Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.