Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.

If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science

unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit

ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today

ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE

ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you

Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’

If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night

bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.

Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire

Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

Fool me once shame on you

Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.

“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.

Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.

Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.

My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.

the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.

Trumpy Cat