Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?

*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”

Wow. That’s good

Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.

If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.

Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.

☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇

Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with

*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!

I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator

It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane

Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves

🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀 oh sory about that we were just passing by

Ketchup isn’t food.

-words to ruin a toddlers day

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…

Spider: [doing the moonwalk]

Narrator: wtf no

Spider: [breakdancing]

Narrator: omg

Spider: [doing the robot] lol

My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.

It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.

*sips wine*

I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.

Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…

A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?

My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.

Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”