Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo

Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault

Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night

Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.

Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it

[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both

My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.

Maybe I’m the problem..

Nvm that don’t even sound right

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?

Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…

Unhappy with work? Have a child.

Now you love work.

EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters

boss: u should’ve been here at 9

me: why what happened at 9

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm

Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!

If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

a McRib killed my tapeworm

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.

@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.

i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on

*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”