Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
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[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
This bar smells like my childhood.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.