Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

Bird flu? Yeah, they’re known to do that.

Therapist: tell me your dreams

Me: cheese

Therapist: no your weird dreams

Me: still cheese

Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams

Me: kinky cheese?

My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”

Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.

Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

rip to my favourite tweet

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.

Cop: Stand on one leg

Me: *does it*

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards

Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba

Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything

Me: *starts sweating*

Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭

Little Red: I’m going to grandmas

Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy

Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?

Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.

I’m giving up for Lent.

I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.

My neighbor still has their Christmas tree in the window when am I supposed to call the police?

Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.

There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.

Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”

the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one

Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us