Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”

[first day as producer]

superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME

me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*

ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.

Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times

Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.

Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!

*turns my chair to get a better view

Me: Carry on.

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

My warrants are pretty outstanding.

Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!

Me:

Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”

hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad

Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird

English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?

Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.

Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual

[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope

incredible

I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.

why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me

If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.

Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.

Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.

Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.

Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?

Date: I’m sorry… what?

Me: Worse rooster shear?

Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?

Me: I LOVE STAR WARS

BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot

Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .

Date: So what’s your backstory?

Me: Arthritis.

[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.

don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry

– me taking a joke

Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf

me: i like baseball.

man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.