Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”

ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*

I started dating a lumberjack.

He’s a handsome feller.

The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.

3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery

My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same

Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.

My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.

Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.

Width of elevator: 5 feet.

90’s style insults need to come back.

Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic

THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart

ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries

Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.

Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?

I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays

Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*

waiter : here’s your bread for the table

table : nom nom nom delicious

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough

Satan: what