Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
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When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
