Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
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[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Tuesday
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Yes 😂
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk