Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.

“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.

magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.

[shark tank]

ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap

HOST: have you considered the bible belt

ME: yes we predict good sales there

I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.

Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?

Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.

Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone

We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.

These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.

The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.

The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.

Me: I’m exhausted

Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today

me: i’m sorry

gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?

me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas

gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy

me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence

WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.

ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??

The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.

*first day as a getaway driver*

Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?

Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*