Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together

Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please

my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh

I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.

My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.

Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”

My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.

seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals

😉😝

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode

Mom: More pie?

Me:

Mom:

Me:

Mom:

Me: Yes, obviously

It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”

hackers play passwordle

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:

[Outside ER]

Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”

Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”

POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call

It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”

If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….

when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken

WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom

[Upstairs Later]

ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.

Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”