Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.

Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?

OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.

Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.

I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

[on deathbed – calls for son]

“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

WHAT SIGN IS SHE

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.

Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.

Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?

Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.

Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.

Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅

“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully

English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳

Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club

got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

God: you’re a penguin.

Penguin: actually I’m a spy.

God: uh no you aren’t.

Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?

God: that’s just what you look like.

Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.

God:

Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.

[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no