Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…

Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”

They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)

If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.

Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.

A thread.

Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.

Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you

I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.

Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then

toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking

my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent

6: what’s 3+1?

Me: 4

6: noooo it’s 3

Me: 3+1 is 4

6: nooooo it’s 3

Me:

6: the 1 is silent

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.

Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”

Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”

I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.

my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:

WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?

Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!

Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook

Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?

*Laughs in 2020*

[Courtroom]

Judge: Have you been up before me?

Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor

It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.

*sips wine*

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise