NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
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Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*