Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”

Me: $400 and 2 unread messages

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.

I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day

Children of the Corn Man

The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction

~Elena Gabrielle

HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK

HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK

HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK

HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK

HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES

HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING

OHHHHHHHH

Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.

#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid

Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣

stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot

*offers Batman cough drops*

Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf

Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.

ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.

From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”

I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.

Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.

this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead