Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
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[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.