Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
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wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
waiting for halloween be like:
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.