netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
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I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Yoga Matt
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person