Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who did this…? 💫⚡️

I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless

Me: It’s going to be a great day!

Life: Yeah, about that…

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK

The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing

She wasn’t like other girls.

She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.

And prom was in one week…

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse

if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do

if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.

ㅤ

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.

My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water

Checkmate, Allegiant

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.

The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!