netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
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I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
The three genders.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.