netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
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They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
me before I type out affect or effect
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Rude much 😂😂😂
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed