Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.

Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.

I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.

Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint

I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.

I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.

4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?

Me: You were born 3 years later.

4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

I love how people think those little cheese knives are for serving cheese, like awwww that’s cute no those are for *defending* your cheese, trust no one

Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.

*pulls up pants

Him: I need advice.

Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.

Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement

Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.

Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic