Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
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kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Does it…does it take 3 days
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
I know karate and tons of other words.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Note to self: I am a note
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.