Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
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The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Me: are you married?
Me: your wife know about that?
me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
shark 1: i’m out
shark 2: i’m out
hammerhead shark: i’m listening
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
*gets down on one knee*
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
*slams fists on coffee table*
WHAT WAS SCAR FROM LION KINGS NAME BEFORE HE GOT THE SCAR