@Pork_Chop_Hair

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

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@junejuly12

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

@Monicake0128

Me: are you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

@AndrewChamings

[shark tank]
me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
shark 1: i’m out
shark 2: i’m out
hammerhead shark: i’m listening

@MarieLoerzel

You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

@mactx85

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

@Thedudish

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

@NotOnTheMoors

Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.

@EJGomez

*slams fists on coffee table*
WHAT WAS SCAR FROM LION KINGS NAME BEFORE HE GOT THE SCAR