Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
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*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Bread puns are on the rise!
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”