Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea

Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.

ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

just overheard a conversation

“You’re a tutor, right?”

“Yeah”

“What subjects do you toot?”

I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.

I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…

When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car

Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate

LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*

My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.

On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’

On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.

My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.