Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
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As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.