Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
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Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
