Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.

I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.

i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever

My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.

Children are a blessing.

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*

My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?

7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous

Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.

Bless you

Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going

Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

Help me practice my knife throwing skills.

You catch.

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.

Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!

Me at 35: oh

My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.

Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency

Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah

I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?

WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?

ME: Not good.

WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.

ME: I don’t think he read it.

There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….

now tell me, Are you one of Them?

*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage

-my wedding

[at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning