Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission

Cool shirt 🙂

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area

My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.

Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”

ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.

Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

Dietest Coke

posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.

[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion

I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it

Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”

Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes

When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?

So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…

You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets

Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”