Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

[planning vacation]

Alexa, show me extradition treaties

I did NOT need to see this today!!!!

SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.

cop: show me your hands

dahmer: *opens fridge*

Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down

[making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about

My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.

Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”

I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!

Have a lovely day 😊

Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake

My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.

A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.

I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.

My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles

9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?

me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.

9yo: like clothes?

me: no they don’t have clothes there.

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.

God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine

GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win

My iPhone: Face ID

Me: 💁‍♀️

My iPhone : hmm.. passcode

Look what the cat dragged in!

*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.

Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.

What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?