Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is an abusement park.

If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.

Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.

Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet

no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden

My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.

Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha

Eggs are just drums you can only play once

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean “pour.”

6: Not the way you do it.

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”

[Budapest airport]

IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?

ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.

my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

While we’re on the subject….

*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*

Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.

My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.

Regular gangs give you a nickname

Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother

*falls on hard times*

Hard times: Get off me.

We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.

DOG 911: what’s your emergency?

DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller

DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY

Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens