Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
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nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
pain
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though