Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hope this email finds you fast and furious

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

Me working remotely from home:

“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”

*moving laundry from washer to dryer

People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.

[harry potter at an interview]

interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes

harry: that’s correct, sir

interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!

My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.

brain: bored

me: lots of stuff to do

brain: tired

me: resting is also good

brain: stressed

me: alright man

I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?

-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks

Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.

They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.

It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.

It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.

*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer

“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

choose your fighter(holiday edition)

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued…

Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.

So can we start calling them Traylor now?

Pilgrim: What the hell is that?

Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.

– The first green bean casserole.

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.

*aggressively skips to my Lou*