Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland

4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy

[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]

Guy1: What should we call it?

Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?

Guy1: Nah..

Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?

Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!

A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon

Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.

My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.

Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.

*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

400 fucking grocery carts to choose from and I always pick the Ford Pinto with a flat tire.

They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

I could NOT have put it better myself.

A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’

on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps

White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere

ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.

George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own

If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.

Level of high: 7/10

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.

A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother