Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?

I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

How all things should be taught/explained.

So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.

Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.

Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train

conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.

Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?

Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.

People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.

Covert ops

Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones

Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?

I do. Now.

Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it