Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan

Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM

Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.

Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.

I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.

1. My wife’s name

2. How to make a shank from a phone charger

3. I need Twitter

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.

Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.

I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:

Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series

OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.

When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.

I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?

*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*

Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.

professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it

professor: okay there is one stupid question

STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?

TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.

ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!

Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.

Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time