Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.

ME: I want a koi swimming downstream

TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?

ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

Cilantro tastes like soap.

– People who eat soap, apparently

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?

People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up

Life hack :

Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.

me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time

BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala

Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?

Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”

Destined to be a firefighter from birth.

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.

Bartender: One more then?

Me: Yep

Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?

Me: What if the seller is a murderer?

Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?

I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*

Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*

My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out

me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around

boss: you’re still fired

detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding

me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where

I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday

Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.

When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.

And then start talking gibberish again.

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat