Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
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When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”