Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
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Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
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