Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?

Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

Professor, clearing his throat:

“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.

Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

The Real Housewives of Sesame Street

My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.

Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.