Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.

Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.

Why is this me 😫

My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!

#ThisMakesMeLaugh

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.

Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

[dentist]

receptionist: with copay that will be $15

me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of

This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?

– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table

Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?

Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with

Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!

[creation of kangaroo]

God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack

Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*

God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha

Angel: again with this shit

My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster

I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.

The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?

Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination