Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
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I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I wonder if Mary and Joseph hated putting away the Christmas stuff as much as I do
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Bond. Trauma bond.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”