Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”

Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good

– Jack and the beans talk

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

Job interview

HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?

Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.

I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift

[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]

Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM

dentist: when did you last floss?

me: just last week

dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true

me: sorry, i meant yesterday

dentist: what?

me: i mean i’m flossing right now

dentist:

me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount

It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.

I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?

Me: living

Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.

My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.

I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.

Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.