Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
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It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
sigh
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do