Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
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I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
The real reason evolution started..😂
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.