netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
You Might Also Like
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Good Morning.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.