netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
You Might Also Like
My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho