netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
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Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
There’s never enough good news
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.