netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
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mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.