Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
