Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
