Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
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I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”
(2022)
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon