Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye

As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.

Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.

[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.

Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid

My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.

I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.

Death: this is the afterlife

Me: ugh there’s more?

14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.

When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.

*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat

In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.

The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”

I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her

Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station

Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff

I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.

[loses house key, starts a new life]

Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh