Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
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I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*