Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.

Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.

me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.

I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver

cry laughing at this shit

I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!

Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.

Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.

*pronounces patio like ratio

Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.

The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.

6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.

Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??

Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.

My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.

Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”

“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots

I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts