Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
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on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
good morning
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.