Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

*during an argument

**command Z, command Z

Well damn, that didn’t work

Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3

Dwayne Johnson:

Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.

😂😂

good morning

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?

ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.

Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part

Owen Wilson: wow

Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”

Owen Wilson: wow

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”

10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”

Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.

Me: What???

5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”

Dammit

me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.

yes yes a thousand times yes!

person i just met reaches out for hand shake

me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people

My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.

1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .

2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.

3rd Guy: I agree.

4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.

1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.

Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.