Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
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Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
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*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up