Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This made me chuckle cuz mood

we all know this pain all too well

Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.

At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

he was correct

Had an epiphany today.

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.

I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.

Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.

A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.

[heaven]

ME: so about those footprints…

GOD: footprints?

ME: from when you carried me

GOD: wasn’t me

ME: well then who—

GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit

If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo

With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.

Three men are on a boat

They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So?

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.

I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻‍♂️

Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce

ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?

ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.

forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?

It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.