Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
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People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
Customize Your Wedding.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
