Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
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[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.