Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.

old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend

My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.

Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life

“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

*seductively corrects your posture*

[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.

“You ordered a Grande.”

Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.

“Sir, please just take her.”

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

Met a hot girl in the bar.

She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.

every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL

As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

(Seductively stripping out of clothes)

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”

– my best friend and the whitest man I know

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days

We are dating

that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)

Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺

Me two kids later: Oh.

Her: You’ve changed.

Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.