Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”

Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?

me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat

#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.

fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.

Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?

Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.

Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).

My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.

Me [double-clicking a word to select it]

Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?

Me: no, just the one word

Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?

Me: no, just that word…

Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page

A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer

(by @ZachWeiner )

dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.

Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”

you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT

Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?