Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.

her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me

When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options

Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”

[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666

18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.

A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’

DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*

If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules

“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”

doctor: we need to draw some blood

4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.

I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race

I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.

Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.

They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies

“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”

god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face

When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.

When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.

Her: Have we been to that restaurant?

Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.

Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.

Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.

Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?

I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”

buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life

One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.