Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone

The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell

[2000]

Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice

I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.

“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”

See?

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that

I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?

latin students necrophiliacs

🤝
enjoying a dead tongue

my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.

DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here

(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*

Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.

Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?

Her:

Me:

Her: Sure, let’s go with that.

Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.

Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen

When he asks for feet pics

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.