Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne

Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand

Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]

Him: *spills drink*

Me: *starts twitching*

My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways

Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”

Yeah. This was me today.

Pro tip:

If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.

She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.

Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2

Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes

Optometrist: I am please stop talking

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”

1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.

Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.

Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth

When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those

A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along

Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.

[At the restaurant]

Her: Can you pass the salt, please?

Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.

Me: No more questions your honor

Judge: The lawyers say that, not you

Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!

Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.

I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time

Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?

You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.