Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
You Might Also Like
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
◾️
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.