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Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Cheers Twitter.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
Monday?
No. Next question.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.