Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?

Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.

I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?

Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working

When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

Doctor: you’re not going to make it

Me: give me a number doc

Doctor: 8

Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*

Doctor: damn son

Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no

Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.

If your going to insult me at least make me Google it

Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

[birthday party]

*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*

me: *dejectedly puts down fork*

yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas

[At the job interview]

“Why did you leave your last job?”

“They took a vote.”

Wife: Did you hear what I said?

Me: No, I was in a different room.

Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?

Me: …

The right person will know this subtweet is about them.

In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏

The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

Day 4: They suspect nothing.

📸:

tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards

me: but that means change or rebirth, right?

tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no