Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives

I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.

My appointment is for a colonoscopy.

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]

Toddler: *crawling across the desert*

Kind stranger: *offers water*

Toddler: No, red cup!

I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.

I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins

I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID

Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.

[recovering from food poisoning]

Me: Finally feeling better

Leftovers in the fridge: You up?

*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*

Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”

The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?

me: no, there’s no oxygen

5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?

me: then yes

5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?

me: then no

5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?

me: is someone paying you to do this?

I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.

What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?

To the Audi hogging the road:

Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!

I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.

“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”

You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.

Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?

Me: I don’t like your tone.

[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?