Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
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Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
I can’t stop watching this.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet