Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
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My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.