Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
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[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!