Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
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My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
umm…
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]