Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.

Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.

to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.

me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂

me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers

My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.

I’m sick of everybody in this house.

-me, who lives alone.

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ

Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.

her: that lion is charging

me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add

her: ok it has my leg, now what

It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week

Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it

6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.

Me:… sweet

all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.

A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.

The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

[Texting]

My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike

Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

A career website for plumbers called sinkedin

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses

“Sooth.”

-a soothsayer

I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register

No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.

My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.