Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
You Might Also Like
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.