Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
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If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Britain be like
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger