Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
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Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.