Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
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BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”
The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*