Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
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Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.