Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.

12: What’s in cocktail sauce?

Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.

12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds

My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”

My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.

I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”

I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house

By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.

-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable

Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.

Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”

I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?

I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”

Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.

Oops, I ate my feelings again.

~ a memoir

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.

Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.

Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic

I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood

When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.

me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary

What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?

How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.