Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
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its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
The Onion called it…again.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
notice
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Probably my best painting.
I need a headline like this
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.